you are enough
It's a familiar refrain I hear in my mind, as my time at the Ayurvedic Institute comes to a close. ‘Did I do enough?’ Did I attend enough, participate enough, connect enough, listen enough, study enough, practice enough… you get the picture. The answer if I tune in and listen deeply is yes - yes, I did enough. I did as much as I was able to do on any given day, and some days more. But this question, this question of ‘Did I do enough?’ is a false one. It’s masking something deeper, and that’s the question, ‘Am I enough?’
Behind the impulse to do, to accomplish, to strive, is the mis-understanding that we are somehow the sum-total of those things. As though my worth could be tallied by some calculation of total classes attended × by pages of notes taken + total test points scored, √ of number of hours on my meditation cushion, all ÷ by number of tears shed during this program... It makes me tired just thinking about it.
The fear and grief that arises within me when that false question comes up, is one not just in response to not having done enough, but ultimately of not being enough. This is judgement. Judgment is the domain of the rational, thinking mind, and as a meditator I know one very important thing to be true, 'Don't believe everything you think'.
My teacher, Dr. Lad, writes in his poem The Witness...
Witness what your mind is feeling.
Notice your judgements about your feelings.
Mind and thoughts rush like a thick storm.
But you are not that thought.
You are not that fear.
You are that vast space.
Behind the movement of thought exists your pure Self - you know it as the feeling 'I am'.
So instead of focusing on this false question with my thinking mind, I instead remember the real answer. I AM… ENOUGH. Self is always enough. Self simply IS. So on days when that false question rears it's ugly head, my mantra is this. I AM ENOUGH.